rEst in God's pEace

last night was the worst nightmare I had. i can't believe it. i witnessed how bad the monster in me came out. i even thought of killing myself..

nightmare i should call it kasi it was not me at all. sobrang frustrated at depressed ako and i felt like i was raging in anger. it all came out. galit na galit ako. gulong-gulo. i guess, this is what i get for all the supressed emotions which ive been keeping for months now. i've been battling with myself and i guess, last night was the worst night of my life.

i dunno if magagalit ako kasi hindi ko nagawa ung gusto kong gawin or isipin ko na lang na i was just too crazy to try it. all day, i kept myself alone sa room, isolated myself from my mom and my pets . tried to think things over. tried to unleash the tension in me. i felt my blood rushing through my veins up to my head and felt like it'll burst in a second.

all day, my mom was all at eased with the thought na i was just sleeping. she thought i was all fine. but the truth is, it's the exact opposite. i wasn't able to get myself to sleep. i've been lying on my bed all day. hanggang sa makareceive ako ng text. text lang. it all started.

we've fought. i've said words i never thought i'd say. i've been crying all night. i just wanted to be left alone. alone. is it hard to understand? just leave me alone. kaso ayaw niya. ok fine. paguluhin mo pa'ng buhay ko. tama. maganda 'yan. and so, nawala na ko sa sarili ko. i kept the door locked. took expired medicines i've found sa drawer ko and i was almost there. almost there. just about to put it in my mouth, biglang umakyat brother ko as there came levy. kung hindi siya dumating, hindi ako aakyatin sa taas. siguro, bumubula na ang bibig ko ngayon at pinaglalamayan na malamang..

i have no choice but keep myself composed. i have to keep moving. great! after what happened, narealize kong may hiya pa pala ako sa sarili ko. i just realized na God was there. not my time yet huh? maybe next time...ooo00ps..

hmmm..now i'm praying hard. i'm keeping my faith up as it is the only thing that would keep me going. feeling so tired lately. tired of living my life. but one thing i realised, there's plenty of reasons to keep going. i have to be strong if not for myself, atleast for my family and for my friends who love me lots. buti na lang, it was never too late for me to be blessed with God's wisdom. nakakapag-isip pa ako ng matino after all..

i guess, kelangan ko lang mag unwind. dat's what i'd keep on doing. just don't wanna discuss and stick with the things that bothers me. leave it all there. gaya nga ng sabi ni mama cath, problema na un so hindi na dapat problemahin. sabi ni mac, just pray. super basics na nakalimutan ko. hmmm..bad jaja...bad...

Lord, forgive me..i know i have sinned badly...keep me in peace. I wanna be with You...i'm begging y0u..help me get through it..please forgive me, Lord..